S1: E1: “It’s hard for me to say anything cool or witty or at all.”

The way I review theses episodes are as if I am sitting right next to you, watching the episode. Basically commentary. Essentially an overview rather than a review.  I’m not going to give a synopsis because to me, Buffy episodes can’t really be summed up in a paragraph. There is just so much stuff there that you really should just watch the episode. My posts are more “gloss over plot” and more “focus in on certain moments”.  Purely for fun, hope you enjoy! 

1

We start the episode with Darla trolling some guy. It’s pretty awesome…throwing the genre on it’s head within the first five minutes, a pre-cursor to Joss’s magic. And then the amazing theme song kicks in. I actually prefer this older, less clean version to the amped up Season 3 onward one. There’s something inherently cool about it. Then the episode begins…

Buffy is having bad dreams. The kind of dreams that would make me have to wake up and physically check myself to make sure I didn’t shit my pants scary. Luckily she has self control and wakes up gracefully and poop free. Buffy gets dropped off at school then, and we see our first intro of Xander and Willow. I’ve seen this episode so many times I feel like I am looking at old pictures of my friends and having a fun nostalgic time. Except I don’t have any friends. Jesse is there but I don’t really care about him, I’m sorry. I just want to go back to Buffy because I’m worried she couldn’t find her classes or something. I know that I needed a map when I started high school and I used it for two weeks before I started realizing I could follow people who were in my next class. ANYWAY. Buffy is safe in the principal’s office, who kindly offers her a clean slate and then RIPS IT AWAY all within the same minute. Sick. Bastard. Buffy tries to cover up the fact that she burned down her old gym by saying Asbestos. Now every time I hear Asbestos I think of this episode. Buffy runs into Xander afterward and has this super awkward encounter with him .Well, he makes it awkward. He says, “Can I have you.” Which he then corrects to “Can I help you.” Actually Xander, I’d much prefer the first one, but Buffy’s not about that life. So chill for now. Buffy drops her stake…

2

But doesn’t really give TWO SHITS.

3

You KNOW Buffy can hear him as he tries to call after her but she wants to create an air of mystery around herself to further his infatuation. Maybe I should start leaving wooden stakes in the aisles of Whole Foods to see if someone will think I’m cool and interesting.

Next Buffy is in class and realizes she needs a book to share. I HATED MOMENTS LIKE THIS. HATED THEM. But luckily Buffy is sitting next to Cordelia who picks up on her need of the book without initiating the whole “OH HEY DO YOU NEED A BOOK” conversation. She just instantly shares because she understands. We need more people like this in the world.

4

Cordelia and Buffy meet up with Willow in the hallway. Cordelia delivers her famous “Good to see you’ve seen the softer side of Sears” line. Buffy look understandably miffed. Because hello Cordelia. No need to be such a bitch to Willow. Willow is perfect in every way. How do you not see that. Willow walks away and I just want to say, “Willow! Don’t worry! It gets better! Kind of.”

5

Cordelia gets her drink of water, and I hope she freaking enjoyed it after harassing Willow. What the hell.

Buffy takes a trip to the library, and shit starts getting real. She meets Mr. Giles for the first time. This scene is great because Giles is JUST SO HAPPY TO GIVE HER THE VAMPYR BOOK.

6

Umm…that isn’t what she’s looking for, bro.

7

Next we meet up with these girls.

8

The red head says “What kind of name is Buffy anyway?” Then someone walks past, and I swear to god she says “HEY APHRODISIAC.” Bitch. If your name is Aphrodisiac you do not have the right to say a thing about Buff.  After their banal chatter talking shit about Buffy karma kicks in and one of the girls finds a dead guy in her locker. Then we are treated to an amazing 4 second long scream.

TIME FOR LUNCH.

9

Willow and Buffy have bag lunches. Together. Buffy totally sports a MY LUNCH IS BETTER THAN YOUR LUNCH face.

10

I wonder if Buffy made her lunch or Joyce. I bet Joyce made a mean pb&j.

Xander and Jesse come in and Xander returns Buffy’s stake which Jesse is staring intently at. Probably because he was actually building a tiny fence and needed THAT PERFECT PIECE but it’s Buffy’s so he’s angry.

11

Xander mentions that Sunnydale is a one Starbucks town. They don’t know it but that’s a blessing in disguise.
Cordelia arrives with news that there was a dead guy in Whore-a’s (Aura’s) locker. Buffy is super interested, to which Cordelia replies, “Morbid much?!” Damn straight.

Buffy goes to the library after checking out the dead guy to meet with Giles. He asks why she’s there, And Buffy says “To tell you that I don’t care… (and then, to the tune of I Love It by Icona Pop) I LOVE IT!! I. DON’T. CARE!!  I staked his heart so fast because these bitches never learn, I took a torch up to his friend and then I watched him burn! I had some fun I said a pun and then I staked away, I love to slay all the time… I DON’T CARE. I LOVE IT. I DON’T CARE.”

Giles plays Simon Cowell, sensing a major pop hit in the future.

12

Now we get to see some vampires. For any fans of The OC, I like to think that vampire Luke is Luke from The OC. Like maybe Luke was vacationing away from the OC in Sunnydale. And then someone bit him and he became an evil henchman.

13

They even have the same necklace.

They even have the same necklace.

Enter Angel and his Pokemon speech. So mysterious and dark. That’s so Angel.

15

16

Next Buffy goes to the Bronze where Willow single-handedly captures me at every party ever.

"It's hard for me to say anything cool or witty or at all."

“It’s hard for me to say anything cool or witty or at all.”

Buffy tells Willow to seize the moment then ditches her for Giles because, well, Giles is a good looking man. They chat about Buffy honing and then Buffy realizes that WILLOW SEIZED THE WRONG MOMENT and goes to find her.

Elsewhere in the Bronze, Darla trolls Jesse. #2 for Darla.

18

Meanwhile the Master manages to rise while simultaneously looking better than me in a leather coat.

19

20

This happened.

21

Prompting Buffy and Xander to go save Willow. Well, Willow and Jesse. Buffy delivers some great lines, including some smart decorating advice.

22

 The episode ends with Willow, Xander and Jesse encountering the freaks from Buffy’s dream and Buffy supposedly cornered by Luke. Which come on…Luke is a pussy Buffy can wipe the floor with him. She WILL wipe the floor with him.
———
 Episode Rating: 7.5/10 : There wasn’t really anything wrong with it. It’s just that I know how great this show can be and this episode is only scratching the surface. That being said, it is a solid pilot episode. Great acting all around. Except Jesse, but that won’t be a problem for long. MUWAHAHAHAHA.

My favorite lines:
Willow: “He was a curator at a British museum..or THE British museum, I’m not sure.”

Cordelia: “Excuse me, I have to call everyone that I’ve ever met right now.”

Buffy: “So you like to party with the students. Isn’t that kind of skanky?”

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About NoelleA

Writer from Franklin, WI.
This entry was posted in Season 1 Reviews and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to S1: E1: “It’s hard for me to say anything cool or witty or at all.”

  1. Ahart22 says:

    I know it’s been a while since you’ve done a review, but if you ever have the time, I’d love for you to do more of these. They are utterly hilarious – I end up giggle-snorting way too hard at every single one (along with the awkward poses picture galleries – my roommate actually knocked on my door to ask if I was alright).

    Anywho, yeah, these are awesome and I hope you continue them. 🙂

    Like

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