The way I review theses episodes are as if I am sitting right next to you, watching the episode. Basically commentary. Essentially an overview rather than a review. I’m not going to give a synopsis because to me, Buffy episodes can’t really be summed up in a paragraph. There is just so much stuff there that you really should just watch the episode. My posts are more “gloss over plot” and more “focus in on certain moments”. Purely for fun, hope you enjoy! (P.S. Words in bold white are actual screen captions, I occasionally add to them.)
Season 1, Episode 5: Never Kill a Boy on the First Date
We open with some amazingly cheesy music, and Buffy slaying a vamp, complete with some witty banter. When the deed is done, Giles tells her that she needs to prioritize and while the slaying job was adequate, it was a bit bloody.
Cut to the Master, who I did NOT miss at all. He’s preaching about finding the Anointed One, the only way he can stop the Slayer. He throws his musty book in all his henchmen’s faces, and then leaves in a very diva-ish fashion:
The Master: Here Endeth the Lesson.
*Slams book closed, snaps fingers, struts away.*
In the library, Buffy and Giles are trying to find out what the sun and three stars meant on the ring Giles lifted from the dusted vamp. In walks Owen.
Giles is pissed that he interrupted. I mean, yeah, its a library, but it’s first and foremost the Scooby headquarters, so GTFO.
Where Giles is annoyed, Buffy is head over heels. Someone’s got a crush! Too bad it’s on Owen. Owen tries to be what he must think passes for witty and smooth:
I lost my Emily… Dickinson. I like to have her around, like a security blanket.
Sounds like you’ve got some issues, Owen. My favorite quote from this whole condescending exchange:
Owen: You don’t seem like the kind of person who would lock themselves in a dark room with musty books.
…And you are? Who actually does that? After Owen leaves, Giles reminds Buffy that they need to focus on the problem at hand (the mysterious ring), implying that Buffy is way too into Owen for no reason and needs to come back down to Earth.
At lunch Willow calls Buffy a vixen for never reading Emily Dickinson. Buffy spots Owen sitting, eating his lunch alone and…you guessed it…READING.
With some encouragement from Willow and bewilderment from Xander, Buffy makes her way over to his table but runs smack into Cordelia, who apparently had the same idea. Cordelia makes her move while Buffy picks up the contents of her fallen lunch, asking Owen if he wants to loiter at the Bronze with her later. BUT NO. Owen wants to go with BUFFY! All I can really concentrate on though during this scene is this poor kid looking depressed and tired in the background.
Scooby meeting time in the library. Giles has found out that a prophecy is going to be fulfilled that night, having to do with the Anointed One joining the Master. Buffy objects, as she has her date with Owen at the Bronze. Giles gets SUPER sassy with her, telling her that this can’t be put off. Sorry Buffy, your apparent “post-pubescent fantasy” of dating a self-absorbed asshole will have to wait.
Cut to Buffy and Giles chilling in the graveyard.
It appears that Giles has miscalculated the date, as absolutely nothing is happening. Buffy jumps at the opportunity to go to the Bronze to be with Owen. Giles warns her of starting relationships with people who don’t know of her status. Buffy assures him she’s got it under control, happily going on her way. Only, she won’t be wearing her “I’m Slayer, ask me how” button. Too bad. However, when Buffy gets to the Bronze, she sees Owen dancing with Cordelia. Ew. Ewwww. She leaves feeling pissed, disappointed, and probably a little bit disgusted.
While Buffy’s heart is getting broken, people on a bus are getting massacred by vampires.
At school Buffy talks to Xander about how she wasn’t able to make it to the Bronze and see her precious Owen, and Xander is just like, “What’s so great about Owen?” To which Buffy never really answers, except for saying that he’s “Oweny.” Buffy and Xander continue talking when Owen comes up to greet Buffy. He asks where she was the previous night, and Buffy makes up some shitty excuse about none of her clocks working so she didn’t know what time or what day it was. Owen claims that this fabricated lie also happens to him, so he lends Buffy his watch
and then explains to her how a clock works. Can this episode be over already?
Buffy gets ready for her date later that night with Willow and Xander. Xander is a douchebag the whole time, basically calling Buffy a whore and being jealous as hell. Willow is helping her choose an outfit. Soon the doorbell rings, and Buffy opens the door to find GILES!! She’s not happy, but I am, because I really don’t want to see Owen’s face. Giles tells Buffy that five people died in that little bus massacre from earlier in the episode, and that those deaths tie in to the prophecy almost exactly. He tries to tell Buffy how urgent this is and that they should probably investigate. In midst of his explaining, Owen shows up to get Buffy. Buffy delivers this line to Giles, the only good thing about this episode:
Buffy and Owen dance at the Bronze after he drabbles on about Emily Dickinson, how he doesn’t get out much (clearly) and how he doesn’t like girls. As they dance Cordelia tries to interrupt and we get a flash of Owen’s crazy eyes as mentioned by Xander before:
The singer at the Bronze also does not approve of Buffy and Owen.
Meanwhile Giles decides to go to the funeral home himself to investigate the five deaths and possibly find the Anointed One. Yes, always a good idea to go to places like these alone at night. Predictably, this happens:
At the Bronze, Owen asks if Buffy is having fun. I throw a handful of Cheetos at the screen and scream “NO”.
Giles is stuck in the funeral home with a bunch of stuff stacked against the door to keep the vamps out. Xander and Willow pop out from behind a window and scare the shit out of me and Giles. They go to get Buffy for help.
At the Bronze, Buffy is waiting for Owen to return with fattening food when Angel walks in. Cordelia has her “Hello, salty goodness line” and I’m wondering how all these iconic character lines come from this crap episode. She tells her friend that Angel is going to need some serious oxygen when she’s through with him. Good thing he doesn’t breathe.
Angel tells Buffy she needs to be out there, events are going down. He asks if she knows what’s happening, and she sums up this episode: “Prophecy, Anointed One, yadda yadda yadda.” Owen comes back and Angel throws shade.
Xander and Willow come in, trying to get Buffy to go the funeral home under the guise of a double date. Stupid Owen tags along. Once inside the funeral home, Buffy and Giles (after an awesome entrance)
look for the body that they need while Owen, Xander and Willow are safe in an office that they barricaded themselves in with lampshades and pillows.
Good thing they locked themselves in a room separated by a thin pane of glass leading to a vampire. A vampire which, of course, comes in after them. They escape while the vampire (who Giles and Buffy think is the Anointed One) rambles about pork and beans and sings and shit. Buffy fights him but he smacks her down as well as Giles, who, in midst of being thrown backwards, turns the incinerator on accidentally. Owen comes in to “save” Buffy but gets himself knocked out. Buffy thinks he is dead so she beats the crap out of the vampire and throws him into the incinerator. Yay, Buffy and Giles think the Anointed One is dead. Sadly not. Owen wakes up (DAMN). Xander and Willow take him home because he doesn’t want to be around Buffy. Buffy is sad.
At school Willow and Xander drink juice.
Buffy talks with Owen and he says he wants to be with her so they can do dangerous stuff, as he gets a sick thrill from almost dying. She breaks things off with him because she deserves so much better. Giles and Buffy bond at the end, talking about responsibility and how destiny sucks.
The Master finally meets The Annoying One. God, please, NO.
I’m just happy this episode is over because it’s one of my least favorites out of the series.
Final Score: 2/10. I found it to be quite boring despite some good lines. I wish Buffy would have killed the boy on the first date. Owen was a one dimensional, annoying side character. The Anointed One was introduced, and this is a very bad thing because the Anointed One is dumb. This episode, like all of Season 1, only scratches the surface in terms of illustrating how difficult it is for Buffy to have a social/love life while being the slayer. The issue will be explored more thoroughly later on.
Some favorite quotes from the episode:
Giles: (On Emily Dickinson) “She’s quite a good poet…for an American.”
Giles: “Buffy, while the mere fact of you wanting to check out a book would be grounds for a national holiday, I think we should focus on the problem at hand.”
Xander: “So, Buffy. How’d the slaying go last night? I mean, how’d the laying go? No, I don’t mean that either.”